Isn’t Hope the Thing Which Has Feathers?

Hope is such a funny thing

To be without hope is seen as sad

But hope itself so often brings such great disappointment

Yet lack of hope often bring such pleasant surprises

So to hope may keep us going

To hope against all hope may also crush us

But to never hope at all

Is to always receive more than what you expected

And that seems to me priceless  all its own

So hope beyond hope

Or never hope at all

Choose your own path to happiness

I want to love you

I want to care

I want to brush my fingers through

Your hair

I want to be the person that can be there for you

Forever

But I’m just a crazy person

With a fucked up past and a twisted mind

I want to love you always

But you deserve better

You deserve better.

 

24:12

Life is crushing me right in this moment

All of a sudden I am 12 years old again

I’m in the driver’s seat of my father’s truck

He is yelling at me, but I am trying so hard

I’m wobbling on the steering wheel

My stack of phone books is sliding around

My feet are fumbling with the pedals I can barely reach

And my father is yelling

I am not doing it right

I am a disappointment

I am going through this like a blind man

Trying to name the colors of the rainbow

And all of this is crushing me

I didn’t realize it would be this way

I didn’t realize that at 24 I would still be 12

I didn’t realize that once I grew up

I would still be a little girl

Trying to drive her daddy’s truck

With the yelling

And the fear

And the fumbling

And the losing control

And the crash

I am 24

And I am 12

And life is hitting me hard

But eventually the wheel will stop escaping my grip

My footing will become more sure

The pedals I once scrambled to reach will feel effortless under my feet

And I will drive

Your memories creep up my spine

They fill my veins

They flood my mind

Your memories they touch my bones

To the marrow

To the marrow

And when I look you

In the eyes

All I can see

is ignorant surprise

And when your kisses touch my lips

All I can feel is

The wiggle of her hips

She knew how to work you

She knew how to ride

I knew how to love you

But you couldn’t coincide

Another Poem I Wrote in High School

She clutched that bible in her hand

Like it was the last day the Lord had planned

She let the tears fall down her porcelain face

She seemed not to have much time to waste

On others and how they might react

To the tears on her chin or the bruise on her back

She tore out the first page, the second, the third

And fell to her knees, prayed to God that He heard

No she was never afraid to lose all herself

She feared for her life to lose someone else

And it took her a moment to get back up off her knees

Stared into the sky and begged the Lord, “Please,

If you can hear me, read my every thought

Tell me the person I’ve been’s who I’m not.

And promise he won’t go, won’t lead me astray.

And I’ll promise my whole heart and soul that I’ll stay.”

Then she threw down her leather-bound faith, torn apart

Walked away from the wreckage and into the dark

Her shaking hands stilled and her tears were all dried

She whispered to herself, “Well, at least I tried.”

And she smiled so softly to herself as she walked

Looked up to the Heavens and thanked God for this talk.

A Song I Wrote on October 30, 2011.

I wish you hadn’t told me it was over

And I’m sure you wish I hadn’t screamed so loud.

But you broke my heart and I was all alone…

 

What do I do now?

What should I do now?

 

Yeah, there’s plenty of fish in this

Wide ocean, but

I’m afraid of swimming out too far

And I don’t wanna lose you in this

Sea of salty tears

I don’t wanna face my

Deepest fears

 

But I guess I should move on

You weren’t lying when you said

That you

Were gone…

Yeah I guess all I can do right now is

 

Smile

For a little while…

 

And if you ever come back

And I’m settled down

I won’t break a heart

To fix your mistake

It’s not a question, but a

Simple lesson:

Don’t let your heart slip away

With someone who will never stay

 

What do I do now?

What should I do now?

 

I’m gonna move along

Travel down another dusty road

Maybe along the way we’ll meet

And share

Those lonesome glances

But we’ll only walk on by..

You don’t have to tell me why…

 

Just wear the same smile

You were born with

And I’ll be happy

So, so happy

 

I don’t want a kiss goodbye

I just wanna lay here and cry

 

For a little while

For a little while

 

But I promise I’ll be fine

I’ll find someone that

Wants to be mine

 

I know what to do now;

What I’ll do now…

 

And if you ever come back

And I’m settled down

Don’t expect me

To break a heart

For the one you never found…

 

Yeah, if you ever come back

I’ll be settled down

Please don’t expect me

To break a heart

For the one you never…found.

The Girl Who Chose to Lose Herself

I think maybe I write because it defines me

I am a writer

I think maybe I write because the feelings that flood beneath my skin pushing against my veins

Can only be made corporeal when put into words

Pen and ink

Paper and letters and punctuation marks

It is what defines me

Because I cannot define myself by the blur inside my body and mind

I can only write it down and hope that someone somewhere can feel what I feel

And know they’re not alone

I think maybe I write because it is the one thing in this world that can connect anyone to anyone else

Musicians, artists, writers

We are muses

We are broken in ways many can never understand

But when we put our art into the universe

We know that we can show

Some of the beauty in that brokenness deep inside

And maybe if you’re broken

Broken like me

Maybe I can write

So maybe you can read

It’s always so much colder in my bedroom

I walk in and feel the draft of a presence no longer there

Your shadows linger

Sometimes I feel the lack of you on my bed

Sometimes I feel it not standing by my window not smoking your cheap cigarettes

Sometimes I smell the absence of your cologne

In my bedroom

Sacred to only you and I

I feel the emptiness and it suffocates me

The absolute inexistence of you

Here in this place which was once so bright with your scowls and your snarks and your crude remarks

Your smirks and your kisses and your cigarette ashes

They are all gone now

And this void is crushing me

Crushed by nothingness

And so I don’t go in my room

I don’t sleep in my own bed

Because it’s far too cold

And I can’t stand the space around me

When all your shadows are trapped on my walls

But you are not there to cast them

Self Deprecating or Self Medicating

Klonopin

And he’s gone again

And I may never see his face

For the rest of my days

I’m stuck in this haze

Weebles wobble but they don’t.

Fall.

Down.

I’m destroyed again

But still so numb, my friend

It’s so confusing to be wrapped up

In these emotions I can barely understand

I’m holding my head above crashing waves

Water trying to pull me down

But what’s keeping me saved?

I’m trying my hardest

To forget you, my artist, my muse

What would I do without you?

But inside the blanket that your arms used to be

I feel nothing but colder I think that I must be

Losing my grip on reality

I’m trying

And I’m trying

And I’m trying to let go

But still I’m holding on

And the time goes by so slow

When you’re not around

When you’re not around

Right here on the ground with me

Now I am floating

Colder it seems

Further from my dreams

Where you’re my everything…

And I just take one

I just take two

I just take a few

Klonipin…

But you’re gone

Again.