When I was young I wanted love

I craved it like a midnight snack

How I fell for the moon and the stars and the fireworks

In my drug-fueled haze I remember only one thing:

Searching for love in all the most beautiful boys

And girls

And there was one who was head and shoulders above the rest

I knew him best as Chocolate Milk

A nickname given by me to him that seemed to stick for some reason

Because when I met him he was drinking chocolate milk

Wearing a Hurley backpack

And looking so innocent

But making devilish deals

That were not so innocent at all

But oh how I fell

And begged and cried and fought and tried

Oh that was one of the best

The boy that through my hazy youth taught me the most important lessons

He taught me how to be a better me, to be sober, to be free

Though these things he could not achieve for himself yet

But for these lessons I am forever grateful

And how I wish we could know each other again

As two different people

The person I have become

And the person I know he will be

I try to write but I have the wrong address

His best friend lost the one I need

He is behind some iron bars somewhere

And I am standing in the sun

But how I wish that maybe I could talk to him again

But I may have to wait five to ten

Someday I will find the words

To say to express how I feel

Sorry for his father who was the greatest man I had ever met

Sorry for his troubles and for being trapped during the saddest time in his life

Sorry for not writing like I should have

Sorry for not having enough stamps

Enough envelopes

Or the right address

Sorry for the letters that got returned because they weren’t up to code

Sorry for the words I haven’t gotten to say to him yet

But in my youth

Searching for love

In all the most beautiful boys

I found something so much more

With the most beautiful boy of all.



In loving memory of John Hubert McAdams: A wonderful human being and father to the most wonderful son, John Leslie McAdams.


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